A life in circles
A shattered heart
Many tears did fall
Merging smiles
And giggles
true
Lessons came
In circles round
Tears
Smiles
Healing
Breaking
Breathing
Forsaken
Shaking
People I meet
People flea
Some times them
Sometimes me
A life in circles
Daily with the sun
One step
One dance
Each day another
Chance
I will live a life in circles
It’s better than a box.
You …yes you
You walked into my life and turned my world into my dream, talked of future
Watched me fall madly and deeply in love with you
I saw my children give you their hearts
Tough times a head …the scares, the fears and yet I had the hope of us
Days you ruined and I let it go
Hurt you caused because you simply didn’t care enough
The tears started to burn inside until I let them fall
I sat as you embarrassed me to your own flesh and blood
I told you how it hurt
After all the promises that this was forever
That you would never leave
You loved ‘our’ family
You walked away …. your job was too busy
You didn’t have time
You simply hurt me because you couldn’t be bothered to leave your home
I wasn’t important enough
All of that is your very own words and yet I still loved you
I knew I deserved better
I knew I was worth more
And yet you didn’t break a heart
You
Broke
Me
My mind wants to hate you
My heart wants to forgive you
My eyes don’t want to cry anymore as you sit on your dating site and search for the next one
All I did was kept a promise
I never lied
I simply loved you
And yet I was punished for telling you it hurt
It doesn’t just hurt now
It desolated the very person who was me
To My Dearest Love
Life isnt forever it moves quickly and at times unfairly. We grow and adapt to many versions of ourselves,
we deal with loss and sorrow that leaves marks behind on the person we will become next, but there are times when people enter our lives be it a day, a week, or maybe even a life time.
These people become our necessity the ones who we turn to, the ones who shape our happiness. Sometime we don’t see it until it’s gone.
Sometimes these people totally destroy every part of the faith we had in them but the damage they do to us is the hardest part.
Work is never a forever.
But love can be.
I wanted to be a necessity within your life.
Someone that would breathe with you, because of you
and
when needed for you.
My life isn’t the same without you as my partner, my friend, my lover and most of all the strength when I needed it the most.
You became the reason I smiled each day.
I wanted to grow as a person with you at my side.
I wanted to support you in all that you hoped to accomplish.
To be the best version of me that I could be, until the moment I took my last breath and could be proud of the life I had been given by you and that of the one I would give in return.
Instead of forever I will adapt
I will grow
I will survive
And I will be more.
The results came back early, the words blurred as I read ….they didn’t get it all…..the monster that grows within me is fighting harder than I think I can right now …the letter they sent telling me a team of consultants will be meeting to discuss the right way to manage my treatment………my treatment ….what happens in my life never seems to be in my hands …I keep fighting for a life where my smile is complete.
I look at my children knowing that one day I will leave them, have I been a good mom ? Did I really do my best ? Will I see them married, have children of their own. They tell me about their days, smile and laugh. I don’t want to taint their world once more with the words of Cancer, Test, Doctors, treatment …they have heard this all before before the cancer monster took my Dads life.
I try to hide my fear from all of those around me. I don’t want people to hurt because of me.
I feel a million miles away from a happy ever after, I’m tired of fighting for a life that simply fights me back harder.
Once again I need to wait for a letter from people who I have never met, to tell me how my life is going to be.
Each breath is filled with fear of not knowing yet knowing its there, a monster I can not see …yet a monster I need to fight alone.
A few little signs pushed away for a while, then pains, blood ….there shouldn’t be blood…just ignore….more pains…oh god no…blood more blood…….can’t ignore …shouldnt ignore ….didn’t ignore …….
So a Pap smear ..nothing I haven’t had before…years ago but still…the first sign this wasn’t right was the pain, this test should not hurt but damn I wanted it to stop. With gritted teeth I waited for the nurse to get on with it. Her smiling disposition getting on my bloody nerves and yet I responded the way I always do pleasant and smiling as the tears sit within my eyes.
I wait for a letter trying so hard not to think the worst and then it’s here …in black and white early cervical cancer …more test…..a date and time ……waiting ten days …not long really as normally this test takes six weeks ….the fear that hits me so quickly …my kids ….the ones I love …how the hell do I tell them ? The date given glares at my as if it’s a joke 22nd it’s 3 years and 1 day to the day that my Dad passed of cancer.
Each day I did everything I could to simply be me …the one that didn’t know…the one everyone is used to, when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide, I don’t want this …..all I wanted was to be a wife…a mother…loved for who I am. I don’t want to fight cancer …I don’t …I dont ….I fucking don’t !!!!
I went to work the morning of the test feeling sick and honestly terrified …..at the hospital my blood felt cold…my eyes didn’t want to see the clean trying to be pleasant waiting room …my name is called…….no ….I don’t want to go….nope nope nope…and yet I stand smile and walk.
The consultant smiles asks a million questions then it’s time…..her words mumbled “that’s not going to go” …”it’s early” “this will sting” as she injects my cervix with a local once …twice….three…..four times….there’s a screen next to my head I can see the infected area all white and bumpy , then I turn my head to look at the beach picture that’s on the ceiling …seriously ? A beach picture. I feel a slight tugging then I smell it the burning of my flesh ….my cervix. They burnt it away then covered it in yellow crap all the while talking to me ….STOP LEAVE ME ALONE …I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ….I DONT WANT cancer is what I want to say but no I was raised differently I answered politely and even managed a smile … I think.
And now I have to wait …again …yes again I have to wait four to six weeks to see if it’s spread ….is it gone …do I have to do that again …..am I going to die if it’s gone too far …no answers yet just wait no for time to go and a letter in the post.
I went back to work bending…ouch…smiling ….ouch….waiting oh god waiting.
Right now I feel damaged..not normal…..what’s coming out of me makes me feel dirty ….I feel so dirty and so very very alone
All I wanted was the dream …to be loved enough to be a wife …to see my children grown and happy
But that didn’t happen
I get to wish time away until I get that letter yet not knowing how much more time I may have…..but I will fight even after all the fighting over the last four years apparently I can’t stop I will fight ….cancer can fuck off I’m just not done !
It’s my mind
Can I press
Rewind ?
To go back
1
2
3
Years ?
God that’s all
just the
Three
is that really
All it can be ?
What is now the past
But then yet to be ?
Oh do I press rewind ?
On moments
Of smiles
of nerves ?
Of friendships
Some so true
Others oh my
The
Tears
they drew
From the depth
Of a shattered
Heart
Do I press rewind ?
Wipe the ink
From my skin
Scrumple the pages
On the words I
Scribed ?
Do I press rewind ?
go back
To the person
I was
made
to be ?
Silent in
Shadows
That was
me
Do I press rewind ?
Will it be better if I hide ?
Should I stop now ?
Can I stop now
Please ?
Please….please….please
Can I press rewind ?
That night just that
One night
The blurred
Photo
Of my angels faces I
Could not see
Can I press rewind
Please can I press rewind
And
Decide
Simply
to hide ?
Can I press rewind
Or better yet
Eject.
Picked and pulled
Pushed away
Drawn back
For today
Just put the
Past right
In the bin
This won’t do
no
Not today
You can do
this
But don’t do
that
I changed my mind
Not
this
Nor
that
Nod of
acceptance
A bitten
tongue
Feelings forgotten
With a shake
of a head
Words of that’s ok
It didn’t matter
I understand
Not important
I let it slide
It’s just me
I will abide
Take the smiles
As they come
Grateful for
Itty bitty scraps
Of time
But always worth all
Of mine
Now sssshhhhhhh
Sod off
That’s your lot
I’m done
With someone
Better
Is all the fun
I want you to kiss me,
I want you to kiss me
because
you want to share my breath,
I want your lips to capture what keeps me alive,
I want you to kiss me
because
you want me to share all that I have.
I want you to touch me
I want you to touch me
because
you want to feel how my skin trembles under your hand
I want you to touch me and let me be
the woman you can make me be,
I want you to touch me so I can touch you.
I want to see
I want to see your flesh harden for me
I want to see your breath quicken
in
anticipation
for what will come,
I want you
I want you to mark me so you can hear
the wanton
pleasure
spill from my lips
I want you to take me
because
for that moment you want me to be yours
and only yours
to know that when I say your name in the hight of
pleasure
it's because you know
you
are the one that matters to me
you
are the one that created that moment
I want you
I want you to be inside me
my body wrapped around you
keeping you as close as I can in that
moment
I want your heart to race because of
my touch
my words
my whispers
my kisses,
I want your eyes to look at me with desire
as I look at you knowing
that I love you
And I love the person
You
Let me be
I want
these
moments
I want
these
moments
And not
Regrets
So many faces
To many lies
So many
People
Changing others lives
Whispered desires
In hidden
Rooms
I wear no
Mask
I show the
Real me
I ask not
For time
Or grand
Gestures
From any
I will not spread
My legs for the
Virtual to see
I will not be
A person
Who simply
is not me
If that is what it takes
For me to be seen
Respected for my
Friendship
Valued for the heart I
Hold
For making you apart of me
Then hello dark shadows
Swallow me whole
Forever my home
Let the lies
Leave me
Alone
There are moments in everyone’s life
When they willingly hand their heart to another
Expecting it to be held with care
To be cherished as a gift
To be loved just as fiercely
As you love theirs
But some moments in life
Your heart will be handed
Back
Without a by your leave
A simple quotation of
Now I bid you goodbye
As they walk from the table
Sure that heart now holds no
Equity
As it surly would have poured
Through the caverns
Of hurt
The pain will burn with every breath
And flood veins through the tears
You will cry
So many questions whimpered to the night
What did I do?
Where did I go wrong ?
Oh god it hurts !
Why me ?
The thoughts
how will I get them back?
will I never love again?
The worst one of all
Will I always be alone ?
In time the hurt will fade
Your heart will beat
Again
Ready for the next one
To take it on loan
A test drive as such
Or maybe
Just maybe
See the beauty
Of a life time
Investment
But who knows
Love is like
Black jack
Sometimes you loose
Your hand
Others you reap in the
Profit.
Give a little
Gamble a lot
Invest fully
Mind
Body
And soul
Gamble my dears
Just gamble
We should
All win love in the end.
OrgasmicAngel's Mind 