A Life In Circles


A life in circles 

A shattered heart

Many tears did fall

Merging smiles

And giggles 


Lessons came

In circles round








People I meet

People flea 

Some times them

Sometimes me

A life  in circles 

Daily with the sun

One step

One dance 

Each day another 


I will live a life in circles 

It’s better than a box.

The truth of actions 

You …yes you

You walked into my life and turned my world into my dream, talked of future

Watched me fall madly and deeply in love with you

I saw my children give you their hearts

Tough times a head …the scares, the fears and yet I had the hope of us

Days you ruined and I let it go

Hurt you caused because you simply didn’t care enough

The tears started to burn inside until I let them fall

I sat as you embarrassed me to your own flesh and blood

I told you how it hurt

After all the promises that this was forever

That you would never leave

You loved ‘our’ family

You walked away …. your job was too busy

You didn’t have time

You simply hurt me because you couldn’t be bothered to leave your home

I wasn’t important enough

All of that is your very own words and yet I still loved you

I knew I deserved better

I knew I was worth more

And yet you didn’t break a heart




My mind wants to hate you

My heart wants to forgive you

My eyes don’t want to cry anymore as you sit on your dating site and search for the next one

All I did was kept a promise

I never lied

I simply loved you

And yet I was punished for telling you it hurt

It doesn’t just hurt now

It desolated the very person who was me


To My Dearest Love

Life isnt forever it moves quickly and at times unfairly. We grow and adapt to many versions of ourselves,

 we deal with loss and sorrow that leaves marks behind on the person we will become next, but there are times when people enter our lives be it a day, a week, or maybe even a life time. 

These people become our necessity the ones who we turn to, the ones who shape our happiness. Sometime we don’t see it until it’s gone. 

Sometimes these people totally destroy every part of the faith we had in them but the damage they do to us is the hardest part. 

Work is never a forever. 

But love can be. 

I wanted to be a necessity within your life. 

Someone that would breathe with you, because of you 


when needed for you. 

My life isn’t the same without you as my partner, my friend, my lover and most of all the strength when I needed it the most. 

You became the reason I smiled each day. 

I wanted to grow as a person with you at my side.

 I wanted to support you in all that you hoped to accomplish. 

To be the best version of me that I could be, until the moment I took my last breath and could be proud of the life I had been given by you and that of the one I would give in return. 
Instead of forever I will adapt

I will grow

I will survive 

And I will be more.

The Cancer Monster Fights 


The results came back early, the words blurred as I read ….they didn’t get it all…..the monster that grows within me is fighting harder than I think I can right now …the letter they sent telling me a team of consultants will be meeting to discuss the right way to manage my treatment………my treatment ….what happens in my life never seems to be in my hands …I keep fighting for a life where my smile is complete. 

I look at my children knowing that one day I will leave them, have I been a good mom ? Did I really do my best ? Will I see them married, have children of their own. They tell me about their days, smile and laugh. I don’t want to taint their world once more with the words of Cancer, Test, Doctors, treatment …they have heard this all before before the cancer monster took my Dads life.

I try to hide my fear from all of those around me. I don’t want people to hurt because of me. 

I feel a million miles away from a happy ever after, I’m tired of fighting for a life that simply fights me back harder.

Once again I need to wait for a letter from people who I have never met, to tell me how my life is going to be. 
Each breath is filled with fear of not knowing yet knowing its there, a monster I can not see …yet a monster I need to fight alone.


A few little signs pushed away for a while, then pains, blood ….there shouldn’t be blood…just ignore….more pains…oh god no…blood more blood…….can’t ignore …shouldnt ignore ….didn’t ignore …….

So a Pap smear ..nothing I haven’t had before…years ago but still…the first sign this wasn’t right was the pain, this test should not hurt but damn I wanted it to stop. With gritted teeth I waited for the nurse  to get on with it. Her smiling disposition getting on my bloody nerves and yet I responded the way I always do pleasant and smiling as the tears sit within my eyes. 

I wait for a letter trying so hard not to think the worst and then it’s here …in black and white early cervical cancer …more test…..a date and time ……waiting ten days …not long really as normally this test takes six weeks ….the fear that hits me so quickly …my kids ….the ones I love …how the hell do I tell them ? The date given glares at my as if it’s a joke 22nd it’s 3 years and 1 day to the day that my Dad passed of cancer.

Each day I did everything I could to simply be me …the one that didn’t know…the one everyone is used to, when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide, I don’t want this …..all I wanted was to be a wife…a mother…loved for who I am. I don’t want to fight cancer …I don’t …I dont ….I fucking don’t !!!! 

I went to work the morning of the test feeling sick and honestly terrified …..at the hospital my blood felt cold…my eyes didn’t want to see the clean trying to be pleasant waiting room …my name is called…….no ….I don’t want to go….nope nope nope…and yet I stand smile and walk. 

The consultant smiles asks a million questions then it’s time…..her words mumbled “that’s not going to go” …”it’s early” “this will sting” as she injects my cervix with a local once …twice….three…..four times….there’s a screen next to my head I can see the infected area all white and bumpy , then I turn my head to look at the beach picture that’s on the ceiling …seriously ? A beach picture. I feel a slight tugging then I smell it the burning of my flesh ….my cervix. They burnt it away then covered it in yellow crap all the while talking to me ….STOP LEAVE ME ALONE …I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ….I DONT WANT cancer is what I want to say but no I was raised differently I answered politely and even managed a smile … I think.

And now I have to wait …again …yes again I have to wait four to six weeks to see if it’s spread ….is it gone …do I have to do that again …..am I going to die if it’s gone too far …no answers yet just wait no for time to go and a letter in the post.

I went back to work bending…ouch…smiling ….ouch….waiting oh god waiting.

Right now I feel damaged..not normal…..what’s coming out of me makes me feel dirty ….I feel so dirty and so very very alone 

All I wanted was the dream …to be loved enough to be a wife …to see my children grown and happy 

But that didn’t happen 

I get to wish time away until I get that letter yet not knowing how much more time I may have…..but I will fight even after all the fighting over the last four years apparently I can’t stop I will fight ….cancer can fuck off I’m just not done ! 

Can I Press Rewind ?


It’s my mind
Can I press
Rewind ?

To go back
Years ?
God that’s all
just the
is that really
All it can be ?

What is now the past
But then yet to be ?

Oh do I press rewind ?

On moments
Of smiles
of nerves ?
Of friendships
Some so true
Others oh my
they drew
From the depth
Of a shattered

Do I press rewind ?

Wipe the ink
From my skin
Scrumple the pages
On the words I
Scribed ?

Do I press rewind ?

go back
To the person
I was
to be ?
Silent in
That was

Do I press rewind ?

Will it be better if I hide ?

Should I stop now ?

Can I stop now
Please ?
Can I press rewind ?

That night just that
One night
The blurred
Of my angels faces I
Could not see

Can I press rewind
Please can I press rewind
to hide ?

Can I press rewind
Or better yet

Times Up


Picked and pulled
Pushed away
Drawn back
For today

Just put the
Past right
In the bin

This won’t do
Not today

You can do
But don’t do
I changed my mind

Nod of

A bitten

Feelings forgotten
With a shake
of a head

Words of that’s ok
It didn’t matter
I understand
Not important
I let it slide
It’s just me
I will abide

Take the smiles
As they come
Grateful for
Itty bitty scraps
Of time
But always worth all
Of mine

Now sssshhhhhhh
Sod off
That’s your lot
I’m done
With someone
Is all the fun

Moments Not Regrets

I want you to kiss me,
I want you to kiss me
you want to share my breath,
I want your lips to capture what keeps me alive,
I want you to kiss me
you want me to share all that I have.

I want you to touch me
I want you to touch me
you want to feel how my skin trembles under your hand
I want you to touch me and let me be
the woman you can make me be,
I want you to touch me so I can touch you.

I want to see
I want to see your flesh harden for me
I want to see your breath quicken
for what will come,

I want you
I want you to mark me so you can hear
the wanton
spill from my lips
I want you to take me
for that moment you want me to be yours
and only yours
to know that when I say your name in the hight of
it's because you know
are the one that matters to me
are the one that created that moment

I want you
I want you to be inside me
my body wrapped around you
keeping you as close as I can in that

I want your heart to race because of
my touch
my words
my whispers
my kisses,
I want your eyes to look at me with desire
as I look at you knowing
that I love you
And I love the person
Let me be

I want
I want
And not

Hello shadow

So many faces
To many lies
So many
Changing others lives
Whispered desires
In hidden

I wear no
I show the
Real me
I ask not
For time
Or grand
From any

I will not spread
My legs for the
Virtual to see
I will not be
A person
Who simply
is not me

If that is what it takes
For me to be seen
Respected for my
Valued for the heart I
For making you apart of me

Then hello dark shadows
Swallow me whole
Forever my home
Let the lies
Leave me



There are moments in everyone’s life
When they willingly hand their heart to another
Expecting it to be held with care
To be cherished as a gift
To be loved just as fiercely
As you love theirs

But some moments in life
Your heart will be handed
Without a by your leave
A simple quotation of
Now I bid you goodbye
As they walk from the table

Sure that heart now holds no
As it surly would have poured
Through the caverns
Of hurt
The pain will burn with every breath
And flood veins through the tears
You will cry

So many questions whimpered to the night
What did I do?
Where did I go wrong ?
Oh god it hurts !
Why me ?

The thoughts
how will I get them back?
will I never love again?
The worst one of all
Will I always be alone ?

In time the hurt will fade
Your heart will beat
Ready for the next one
To take it on loan
A test drive as such
Or maybe
Just maybe
See the beauty
Of a life time

But who knows
Love is like
Black jack
Sometimes you loose
Your hand
Others you reap in the

Give a little
Gamble a lot
Invest fully
And soul

Gamble my dears
Just gamble
We should
All win love in the end.